


Not Afraid Anymore

by Carmenlire



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Isabelle Lightwood, Established Relationship, F/F, Lesbian Clary Fray, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, for malec, outsider pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 08:23:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16636346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmenlire/pseuds/Carmenlire
Summary: As she watches Magnus steal a kiss, Alec blushing, she’s struck by the stark contrast of before and this after. Isabelle sees the way Alec’s hand seeks Magnus’s, instinctively interlacing their fingers, and something wells up in her.She wants that. She wants that with Clary.Or, Isabelle goes to her favorite bakery to think about her own love life but gets a front row seat to her brother's.





	Not Afraid Anymore

Cursing as her heeled boot sinks into another damn puddle, Isabelle keeps trudging along the busy New York sidewalk. She ducks and weaves between worn looking businessmen and children laughing as they run past. It’s a miserable November day and she just wants a cupcake and to get out of the icy chill.

She rounds the corner, rolling her eyes as a woman bumps into her shoulder none-too-gently without a word.

The bakery is just halfway down the block and Izzy lengthens her stride to get there all the more quickly. 

Ducking into the shop, she’s immediately greeted with warmth that wraps around her like a favorite blanket. She runs a hand through her hair, pushing the dripping strands from her face and thanking Raziel that she only wears waterproof makeup.

There’s no one in line and she takes a few moments to look at the glass display, showing an array of cookies and muffins and cupcakes with other specialty desserts thrown in for good measure. She’s been frequenting this bakery since she was a child and Alec would sneak her away from the Institute after a rough day or as a celebration.

It’s cheerful and vibrant with colorful walls and kitschy decor. It’s not Isabelle’s usual speed-- or Alec’s for that matter-- but the memories attached to this place are some of her fondest.

She orders a cappuccino and a caramel fudge cupcake and retreats to the small table in the corner to enjoy her treat. The table overlooks the street and Izzy can’t contain her laughter as she watches a small child in yellow rain boots jump into the puddles beside his beleaguered yet reluctantly amused looking father.

She takes her time with her snack, savoring the sweet yet salty caramel and the richness of the chocolate. She’s been feeling overwhelmed as hell lately and she needed to get away from the prying eyes of the Institute-- away from _her_.

Isabelle thrives off of chaos, is a pro under stress. She can fight with the best of them-- better than them, too-- and can work with laser focus no matter her surroundings. That, she can deal with.

It’s Clary that’s giving her trouble.

Isabelle has known for quite some time that her interest in Clary isn’t platonic. She’d first met her, a cute redhead that lit up the room, and Isabelle had wanted to reach out and grab some of that sunlight for herself as someone who lingered in shadows and moonlight.

She can’t get a read on her friend, though. Does Clary want more? For heaven’s sake, is she even into women? Rolling her eyes-- at herself, at the situation-- Isabelle sends a quick thanks to the angel that at least she didn’t have to deal with seeing Clary with Jace anymore. The two of them had broken up months ago, both of them admitting separately that it had felt like they were forcing things, trying to make a relationship out of bare affection and convenience.

Clary had confided that she didn’t even think Jace was attractive and that she’d only slept with him because she had felt they’d reached that stage of the relationship. Isabelle had wanted to ask a dozen follow up questions to that but she hadn’t dared.

It’s different with Clary. Izzy has never had an issue before with someone that she’s found herself interested in. She prides herself on being take no prisoners, confidently going after what she wants.

She’s never felt so attached before, though. She values Clary as a friend-- the best of friends-- and doesn’t want to ruin the connection between them. She doesn’t want Clary to feel alienated. Sometimes, Isabelle swears that she sees Clary’s eyes drop to her mouth or Clary will touch her and it feels _right_.

As Isabelle takes a sip of her coffee, she morosely thinks that she needs to get it together.

She just doesn’t know how.

She’s in this cafe trying to get away from it all, in an effort to pin down her feelings, to think through-- logically, deliberately-- the evidence or lack thereof. This is the place that she always goes when she needs to clear her head and decompress and just being in the space relaxes her.

Her attention snags on the cheery ding of the bell over the front door as it opens, two men all but falling into the bakery, laughing.

Izzy’s mouth curves at the sound before she does a double take, eyes widening.

Alec and Magnus stand just inside, shaking the water off their jackets. Smiling at Alec, Magnus stands still as his boyfriend reaches out, carefully thumbing under his eye to wipe away running eyeliner.

“Thank you, darling,” Magnus says and Isabelle wishes that her hearing rune was activated as Alec replies too low to hear.

Attention completely diverted from her own woes, Isabelle watches Alec and Magnus. Thankfully, they only seem to have eyes for each other and as she sinks a little lower in her seat to appear more unobtrusive, she finds herself smiling wistfully at them. 

Alec throws an arm over Magnus’s shoulders, bringing him to his side, and Magnus just leans into the touch, letting his own arm wrap around Alec’s middle. They look like one unit standing so close together and Isabelle can’t help but marvel at how much things have changed in such a short time.

She’s always known that Alec was gay, that all of the young shadowhunter debutantes and their mothers were barking up the wrong tree. Alec has always been so easy to read and it’s a marvel that it wasn’t the biggest open secret in Idris.

Alec’s always been her rock, supportive and grounding. Isabelle remembers the first time that she’d confided in her brother that she didn’t think she was only into boys-- sometimes, she thought of kissing a girl, especially the Japanese transfer one year her senior at the Academy.

Listening carefully, Alec had let Isabelle ramble about her crush and their parents and Idris in general for ages without saying a word. When she’d finally wound down, Alec had hugged her. It had been an _Alec_ hug-- she’d felt completely enveloped as he’d hugged her so tightly that she felt her ribs constrict, swaying them gently from side to side.

He’d told her that it was okay, that he would always be there for her. He loved her and that he’d be happy as long as she was happy.

Iz had only been fourteen but she’d already known for years that Alec wouldn’t reprimand her-- Or Jace or young Max-- for the things he would flay himself alive over.

After that conversation, Alec’s shield around Isabelle grew imperceptibly thicker. It would take her ages to realize that as he’d grown even more protective of her, his own sense of self-preservation grew brittle.

She had worried that Alec would deny himself forever, for the rest of his life. She’d watched as he turned bitter and cold and shut down her teasing remarks with an impatient glare or a hissed denial.

As she watches Magnus steal a kiss, Alec blushing, she’s struck by the stark contrast of before and this after.

Alec looks happy, lighter than she’s ever seen him. She’s been around Alec and Magnus a lot the past year but it’s obvious now that they still hold back in her presence. They give their order and Alec pays, dramatically shooing Magnus’s wallet away. Magnus says something and keeps his wallet out, suspended in the air. Izzy sees Alec roll his eyes even as he starts smiling, ducking down to kiss Magnus with a quick peck.

Magnus looks victorious as he slides his wallet back into his pocket and it’s just a moment later that they’re taking their food and drinks to a table on the other side of the cafe.

Isabelle absently sips at her cappuccino as she watches the tableau. Magnus swipes a finger through Alec’s frosting, holding it out for Alec to lick. However, when Alec leans forward, Magnus smears the bit of frosting over the corner of his mouth. 

Instead of looking annoyed, though, Alec looks resigned as Magnus cackles, shaking his head ruefully at his boyfriend’s antics. Isabelle raises a brow to herself and looks away when Alec wipes away the chocolate and licks his thumb clean, watching as Magnus’s laughter dies.

She sits in her corner of the universe and let’s their conversation turn to background noise. She eats her cupcake, taking her time, and thinks about her dilemma. Every once in a while, she turns back to her brother and Magnus and lets their love warm her bones for a minute.

It seems like just minutes later that she hears the screech of a chair being shoved back and looks up to see Magnus and Alec sliding on their coats. Alec throws away their garbage and Magnus waits for him by their table. Isabelle watches the way Alec’s hand seeks Magnus’s, instinctively interlacing their fingers, and something wells up in her.

She wants that. She wants that with Clary.

Honestly, it feels like she’s over halfway there. Clary is constantly seeking her out and when they have weekly movie nights, Clary is a damned octopus under their shared blanket.

She looks up just as they’re walking through the door. Alec goes first, tugging Magnus behind him and she’s startled as Magnus’s gaze finds hers unerringly. It’s just a flash but he sends her a smile and she swears she sees understanding in his eyes.

Left alone now amidst strangers, Izzy stares down at her empty mug, lost in thought. She thinks about how much Clary makes her feel. She thinks about Alec and Magnus.

She thinks about how it had taken unimaginable courage for Alec to take that first step and she wryly considers that maybe it’s time that she followed in her brother’s footsteps.

She cleans up her place and leaves the diner as night falls. Thankfully the rain has disappeared but it’s colder now. She huddles in her coat and wanders the path back to the Institute. As she nears her home, resolve solidifies.

It’s time to see once and for all what Clary wants.

 

Isabelle is uncharacteristically uncertain when approaching Clary, who’s idly sketching on her bed. Clary looks up with a smile at Isabelle’s presence, though the smile turns quizzical as she listens to an impassioned speech that includes clothes, cupcakes, and Love, Simon.

Isabelle winds down, looking at Clary like she holds her fate in her hands. Clary, having caught on by now, just grins. She pulls Izzy close, whispering, “I don’t share my blanket with just anyone, you know,” before kissing Isabelle to within an inch of her life.

Isabelle feels something settle as she gives herself to Clary. Distantly, she thinks that a minute of courage is everything.

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me on tumblr @carmenlire!


End file.
